Tag: loss

Scheduled grief

I know it’s been awhile. I haven’t been in the mindset to write for a long time… but tonight…. I’m writing to empty my mind.

You see my fur nephew is scheduled to cross the rainbow bridge tomorrow. It was supposed to be later on this week but he is rapidly deteriorating. So this is my last night going to bed as a fur uncle to two nephews… tomorrow that changes.

There is beauty in the scheduled aspect. He’s been getting a lot of lasts that he is living one more time… last trip to the beach, last family walk, last slice of pizza, last pup cup. But with this beauty comes the heavy sadness of what every last means… a step closer to his crossing… a step closer to him not being here. I know many will say he’s just a dog. But in my family we love our pets like children.

My grieving started two weeks ago when his rapid deterioration started and every time I got a cuddle it broke my heart a bit more but tonight I am sitting here with tears in my eyes knowing that this will be his last night of sleep with his brother and the hurt that will come for his little brother who has only ever known life with him in it… after tomorrow he steps forward alone and he won’t understand why. All I hope is that he has seen the quality of life falling and that in his little heart he can piece the two parts together and as we work through this as a family he is still so loved.

Good night baby Bax. You are loved beyond what you know.

Home

Behind the four walls that make up your house, there are so many stories. Tragic, beautiful, happy, incredible, life changing stories. The stories that make you who you are… the building blocks that created you. Moments that turned you into the person you are and set you on your path to be the one you will become.

It’s strange to think that every house you drive by holds so many stories, so many family dinners, so many arguments, so many hugs and kisses. Each house is a home to those who occupy it, when they move on those stories are carried on in their memories. When you move on and leave your home, leaving that chapter. It becomes someone else’s chapter. It becomes someone else’s future. The world keeps turning.

The house that I spent 14 years calling home, is becoming someone else’s next chapter. It’s opening it’s doors for new love, a new family and new memories together. They won’t know my families memories, the holidays spent around the table laughing… the Sanctuary from a broken heart… the people who entered the house as friends and left as family… even those they have since passed on. Those thoughts now only exist in my mind and on my levels I am sad that I won’t be able to open that door and see those memories in front of my eyes.

Although my parents haven’t lived there for a few years, it still smelt like home, up until the last night I locked the door. I will miss that smell. There was a comfort in the house, entering it felt like I was being held by my parents. I miss them.

I know home is where you make it, where you feel it within your heart. Home is where you can be yourself and feel loved, safe and comfortable. I am determined that my home will be that for many friends, even ones who don’t know they need it.

My original home in the US is gone. But those memories are not. I have to focus on that.