Wandering

At the end of the world…

At the end of the world where will you be? At the end of everything what will you have? Will it matter what arguments you won? What scars you hid or the internal judgment you listened to constantly? At the end of the world you have you… you have always been there for you, no matter the negative self talk, the harsh comments and comparisons you held onto, the foundation is always there and it is YOU.

There are so many moments in our lives that we fear, we fear the unknown, we fear making mistakes and we fear losing it all. So what if we did take those risks? What if we did lose it all… what happens next? We start over… we stand up and we brush ourselves down and we move on. Some of us have done that many times throughout our childhood… when we changed schools, moved houses, moved countries and it felt like the world was ending… (maybe not in an apocalyptic way but still), but did you make it through? If you are reading this… then yes. You made it through the battle, the lose and the fear and you built yourself back up. Because you had YOU.

When you feel like you have lost everything your reactions come naturally, it’s normally anxiousness, fear of the unknown and panic… because at that point you feel like you have no control. When we live in those feelings we aren’t able to move through and build we become stuck. You have to remember that every breath you take proves that you are still here, you can do this and you can build yourself back up taking with you the lessons you learnt from the fall.

My therapist told me in moments of anxiety to ask myself “what happens next? And then what? And then?” In every situation where my mind races to the worst case scenario… it comes back to the same answer “and then everything finds a new normal and I am ok”… that’s it right there… life doesn’t want you to live in the anxiety it wants you to live in the “and then it’s ok”.

At the end of the world you might find yourself standing in a pile of rubble alone, but things can be replaced, buildings can be rebuilt… the key to survival is you.

A life lived

The beauty in a life well lived, in my opinion, is to be remembered with a smile. Remembered with love and kindness. When people remember you, they feel your presence in their heart and they smile. The memories are what we leave behind. We don’t remember the bad times we remember the good… we have to remember the good. Recently I lost a family friend, it was not unexpected, but it was too soon. It is always too soon. Every life is cut too short, whether you are 105 or 60… your life is too short… we know this. EVERYONE knows this. But still we spend our time worrying about what others think of us, what the perception is and are we normal enough. Why does this matter? it is YOUR life and YOU deserve to be happy… because when you are happiest is when you share your love, your light, with the dark world others are trapped in.

I am starting to realize that the perfect ice breaker question when you meet new people is “What would you do if everyone else’s opinion didn’t matter?”, either you catch the other person completely off guard or they talk with so much passion and excitement that you learn something new and break down barriers.

When ever I pass, I want to be remembered as someone who was happy, smiling and full of love. Love builds a connection that transcends everything else.

There is such sadness in death, a loss of the physical being. The pain of knowing we won’t get to see their smile, hear their laugh or hold them again. That is the loss. The heartache we feel is so deep… and that is ok. Grief is ok. Crying is ok… it lets us release our emotions and let the pain out… when we are able to release the pain we find space the to love.

We still have memories, we have their love eternally and friendship indefinitely.

Hug your friends. Hug your family. Laugh a lot, laugh loud, take photos, videos and most importantly love… love deeply…

The past doesn’t define you.

Everyone has a past… No one is exempt from having one.

As cliche as it sounds, your past doesn’t define who you are. But the trick is moving through the past, processing it, taking the lessons and moving on stronger and with more focus

The crazy thing about the mind is it’s ability to hide trauma, fog over hurtful memories and trick you into believing what you think will protect you. Until one day when you are an adult… those barriers break down, you hear a story, see a photo or read a blog… and that’s it. The blockade disappears… you see it all, the past in it’s ugly, painful, hurtful, raw honesty. But this is where you have to choose, do you face the past and process it (probably with the help of a licensed therapist)… or do you try and sweep it away again.

That’s really the choice… examine and learn or tuck away and hide. By hiding the past we don’t address it… and in your subconscious you let it define you. Those lessons get over shadowed by excuses “Oh I can’t work out, I have bad knees”, “eating junk food is cheaper”, “oh he didn’t mean that, it was an accident”, “she was just angry because of work, it won’t happen again”… by using these excuses we validate our unhealthy relationship with food, the spouse who is physically or mentally abusing you, the lack of physical activity in a day. Then we find ourselves destined to repeat those same steps again and again without truly without learning how to grow.

When we move through our past, learn from it and we evolve into a state of true understanding for ourselves and what we have been through, that’s when we can find the compassion to love ourselves, with our cuts and bruises. There is beauty in us all and that comes from the power hidden in your past. That power is waiting just the other side of the shadows. Find the light.

Home

Behind the four walls that make up your house, there are so many stories. Tragic, beautiful, happy, incredible, life changing stories. The stories that make you who you are… the building blocks that created you. Moments that turned you into the person you are and set you on your path to be the one you will become.

It’s strange to think that every house you drive by holds so many stories, so many family dinners, so many arguments, so many hugs and kisses. Each house is a home to those who occupy it, when they move on those stories are carried on in their memories. When you move on and leave your home, leaving that chapter. It becomes someone else’s chapter. It becomes someone else’s future. The world keeps turning.

The house that I spent 14 years calling home, is becoming someone else’s next chapter. It’s opening it’s doors for new love, a new family and new memories together. They won’t know my families memories, the holidays spent around the table laughing… the Sanctuary from a broken heart… the people who entered the house as friends and left as family… even those they have since passed on. Those thoughts now only exist in my mind and on my levels I am sad that I won’t be able to open that door and see those memories in front of my eyes.

Although my parents haven’t lived there for a few years, it still smelt like home, up until the last night I locked the door. I will miss that smell. There was a comfort in the house, entering it felt like I was being held by my parents. I miss them.

I know home is where you make it, where you feel it within your heart. Home is where you can be yourself and feel loved, safe and comfortable. I am determined that my home will be that for many friends, even ones who don’t know they need it.

My original home in the US is gone. But those memories are not. I have to focus on that.

I’m sorry…I’m sorry…

We all seem to have a “go too phrase” that we use most often. For awhile growing up mine was “it’s not my fault”… but shortly after my teen years that turned into “I’m sorry”. Interesting how I went from pushing the blame from me to sounding like i am accepting blame and apologizing for something. I am not even sure really where or why the transition happened… if i has to guess it would probably be around the time I developed an inner fear of letting my parents down or disappointing them. “I’m sorry” was a saving grace for bad grades, being late home, getting stuck in traffic.

When I say “I’m sorry” I am not always admitting fault, I might be apologizing that something happened. At least that is what I am telling myself. Internally though, I still feel responsible, guilty or concerned for the outcome. Even if the situation is complexity out of my control I will apologize. Today for example i apologized for the behavior of someone i don’t know, i have never met, who was 3500 miles away from me…It’s a boundary that I need to work on. I will start sentences with “I’m sorry to say this but…” or “I’m sorry but my opinion is…” but why? Why am I sorry for having an opinion? Isn’t that part of being an adult… being allowed to unapologetically be ourselves?

I had this conversation last night with my partner. I apologized for something that was no ones fault… but then I stopped and said “no I’m not sorry, because I didn’t do it”. Within 5 minutes I said “I’m sorry but I don’t agree”. I stopped myself and said “I’m not sorry. I just disagree with you and that’s ok”. It was like I had hit myself over the head. I am not sorry.

Now of course there are times that apologizing is the correct thing to do. When you do something wrong, apologize: that’s another part of being an adult. Admit when you are wrong and know that being wrong is ok.

There is a power in owning your opinion, your actions, your voice. When you stand tall and speak true there is no reason for “I’m sorry”.

Paint by numbers

Growing up I loved paint by numbers… I was terrible at them, couldn’t paint a straight line so I would always end up mixing over to another section. I don’t think I ever completed one. But there was something fun about them, the control, the rules. Knowing that if I followed the steps, it would look how it was supposed to look.

In some ways wouldn’t it be great if our lives were a paint by number, where we knew what we needed to do at what step to turn our life into the preprinted, designed masterpiece it was destined to be… But sadly life isn’t like that, 2020 has taught us that no matter how controlled or organized you plan out, something can come along and run your paint into the wrong section.

Every life is a piece of art that is open to interpretation, the downside to any paint by number is that it doesn’t give you freedom… life gives us that freedom, to mess up, to make mistakes and the freedom to own them and create our own vision.

In life we never know what color comes next, what hurdle we have to jump… or what hurdle will take us down. The point is, we have to stand back up, we have to keep painting, through the pain, through the tears, through the losses, the wins and the smiles. Your masterpiece is never complete until you stop painting… sometimes you find out that you only have a few weeks to finish your painting, sometimes you don’t get that warning.

Would that change how fast you paint, would you rush through all the steps to complete your painting faster? Or would you savor east brush stroke… appreciate the colors, their vividness, their ability to blend and create depth in your art.

No matter how much time you have left, you should savor each stroke, each swish of the bristles on the canvas that is your life because you don’t know how long you have, but even an incomplete painting that was created with care and love is still a masterpiece. Life is not a paint by number, life is a Bob Ross painting where happy little accidents can change you for the better. Love every moment, love every brush stroke… because when your painting is done, the masterpiece is all you leave behind. Make it beautiful.

Feel your pulse, own your pride

4 years ago Orlando was changed forever… the LGBTQ community was hit right in the heart… 49 times…. 49 lives… 49 stories that ended that night. It was the night of the Pulse Nightclub massacre.

I was sleeping that night, peacefully in bed with my wonderful boyfriend. We woke the next morning to dozens of messages… we opened up social media and there it was. Every news station, every friend marking themselves safe, videos footage of flashing lights, crying crowds, parents desperately trying to find their children… there was emergency blood drives set up as Orlando didn’t have enough blood to help the wounded… how crazy a thought is that, not enough blood.

My heart was broken. I didn’t lose anyone that night, but I know people who lost friends and family… I have friends who were supposed to be there but for some reason… they decided to stay home. I held my friends, I held my boyfriend and we cried. We cried out of fear… out of hurt… out of sadness.

Orlando is a cultural melting pot, a transient city filled with people from every background… it’s what makes it great. But after that night… and the weekend following… Orlando showed it’s true colors. It said “We are Orlando Strong”, “we have one pulse”… that became the heartbeat of the city, love is love is love is love is love. Strangers hugged, vigils were held everywhere, people cried together, your race didn’t matter, your religion, your orientation… nothing mattered, we held each other.

Every year on the anniversary I remember the sadness i felt when i woke that morning and for days after… but then i remember how I started to see rainbow flags appear in store windows in the days following…displays listing the names of the ones lost, straight families walking around the parks with T-shirt’s supporting the LGBTQ community and Orlando… the clothing brands that released merchandise to raise money to help the survivors… that sadness turned into pride.

Pride for my community… pride in who we are as individuals. I became one of the rainbow wearing, rainbow flag owning, proud gay men. Why did I do that? What made me realize that being gay was something I should own? The simple answer, because 49, proud, loving, diverse people had their pride taken away from them… as well as the survivors who still suffer from PTSD from that night.

What brings us together… all of us… is that pulse, that heart beat… we all have one.

Feel your pulse. It means you are still here. You still matter, you still belong. Pride doesn’t end at LGBTQ, it includes pride in your heritage, being proud of your race, proud of the battles you overcame and the ones you are still pushing through. Never let anyone take away your pride. Someone tried to take that away from us that night… but we came back stronger.

Your inner critic

A few months ago I listened to a podcast that talked about your inner critic… and it surprised me, I never really put a name to the voice in my head, the doubter, the naysayer…I never realized that the voice was criticizing my thoughts and actions. Nearly all of us have this voice, this inner monologue that tells us “you are not enough, so why even try”.

What has your inner critic stopped you from doing? What risks has it saved you from… or what paths has it stopped you from pursuing? What clothes has that voice told you don’t fit you right? Or made you feel like you need to lose weight, gain weight or go to the gym? Now I am not saying an inner critic is a bad thing, it brings balance to your mind, in some ways it keeps you safe… but when your inner critic is ruling your mind 90% of the time, you aren’t living, you are hiding.

That’s the thing with your inner critic, they know you better than anyone, they can push those buttons that make you feel ashamed, scared, weak and worthless… and most of the time they don’t hold it back. It wares you don’t, it exhausts you and before you know it, you feel like that inner critic is talking the truth. But are they? Or are they just bullying you? If they were a separate person who talked to you like that, you wouldn’t answer the phone when they called or open the door when they knocked… the way things that your inner critic can treat you, it a way that you would never EVER treat someone else… so I ask you this, why do you talk to yourself that way?

The podcast said we should try talking to ourselves how we talk to our best friend, that person who we love no matter what they have been through… this through me off, I would never talk to my best friend how I talk to myself. But that’s the point isn’t it… kindness, support, love and friendship… that’s how we should talk to ourselves. If you can switch your mindset and lead with a voice that they called your “best friend” voice, you would take more chances, make more decisions to better yourself and support yourself. It’s tough, trust me… with everything going on in the world negative does feel like it rules, but you can control your inner critic, you can put them in check and let your “best friend” speak up.

I encourage you to try it, when you feel your inner critic is ruling your mind, stop and think how would my best friend voice respond. With love.

Don’t put yourself down. There are plenty of people out there who will judge you, who will put you down… and who will criticize you. Don’t do that to yourself.

Take risks, make choices to make you happy.

Life is always worth exploring.

Into the unknown…

So it’s quarantine day… who knows? is it Tuesday? Maybe?

That is the world we are currently living in, where we don’t know the date, we don’t know the day of the week… all we know is that we have to stay home… for how long we don’t know? The rest is unknown.

It’s a scary place to be… we are really living the same day in and out… it takes it toll on your mental health, physical health and your relationships. My dog for example is fed up of us being home… she’s ready for her 6 hour daily naps. But even human relationships can struggle at this time. To be honest my main issue has been more the mental struggle.

Recently I have found myself lacking the motivation to even get up out of bed and keep moving every day, I want to be productive but lack the energy… I found myself initially saying “I don’t have time”… but I have nothing but time right now. That was when I really had to sit down and think about what was going on… not COVID-19 related, not money related or work related but internally.

What I figured out is that the “unknown” makes me unsettled because I can’t control it… as for someone who is longing to travel everywhere and see everything the world has to offer, there will be so many unknowns in that… how can being told “stay at home” cause me to develop this new struggle. But really if you think back to your childhood, there was always someone who had the answer, a teacher, parent, friend… then as you grow up you still have those guiding lights, those people who will point you where you want to go… but right now, at this time we are all in the same boat…. facing the same direction… without a map, no control… drifting.

The unknown is scary and a in itself is a challenge to face. The nice thing is we are all facing this unknown together… yes with our own individual issues and concerns but over all… we all have this joint feeling of not knowing. There should be comfort in that right? We shouldn’t be spending this time putting others down, comparing whose life is worse off. We should be holding each other up and saying “we can steer this ship together” by focusing on what IS in our control, what really matters… and that has never changed… LOVE.

With more time on our hands, we seem to get bogged down with filling it with stress and worry and comparison… but we need to see the love in the world…

There are kids at home celebrating spending time with both their parents… they aren’t going to remember why, they will remember love. Significant others who have spent maybe a week on vacation together are now spending a month seeing each other every day… getting to love on each other. Our loyal pets that spend so much time alone, are experiencing true companionship and love because we are home… and exercising more.

For those that we can’t physically see, we are communicating through other measures, FaceTime, zoom, video calling. We need to keep those connections open when ever this pandemic is over. Sadly I don’t think we will ever return to normal… but we will find a new normal. We are already starting to… but let that new normal be based off of Love… maybe we let love lead us into the unknown… embrace is and control what we can control, what matters. Being a decent loving human being.

Who’s life are you living?

This may sound like a strange question… but when you really think about it, are you being true to yourself? Are you living your life or are you living a life to keep up with the social media influencers? Or the life that you were told you needed to live.

When you think about your goals and aspirations as a child you could be anything you wanted, there was no dream too big. But as you grew up you were given minor corrections on your path… putting you on the road that lead you in the direction that others felt was best for you. Now of course those little nudges were there to keep you safe but think of how that shaped your life as an adult.

I was always told by my wonderful parents to do what makes me happy and to live a life that makes me happy. Up until recently i believed that i was doing just that… i was living my life to make myself happy, but after some self examination i realized that deep down i was trying to live my life to not disappoint my parents, i didn’t want to let them down as they gave up so much for me.

I am not saying that i am unhappy, I am not saying that at all. I am saying that subconsciously I was making choices and decisions in the hope that I would make my parents proud. But the funny part, is any time I told my parents of a career change, life change or anything… the first thing they asked me was “are you happy?”, my response was always “yes of course” and they would reply “then we are so proud of you”. That validation means more to me than anything else. But i know my parents… and they truly mean that they want me to be happy.

For some reason my mind told me that I had to make the choice to live my life to make my parents proud and how would i do that? Well the stereotypical thing that we are lead to believe from the outside world to lead a good life is to have material wealth and financial wealth lead you to be happy. So if I have a huge house filled with lots of things, I will be happy and in my twisted mind then my parents would be proud. But that’s not right…. they want me to be happy no matter what… no matter how little money i have, as long as I am doing a job I enjoy….

So that is where the question comes in. Who’s life are you living? Are you living a life where you can be unapologetically yourself?

I have started to figure out that when you are being yourself and living life for yourself, the negative self talk in your head is blocked out by the supportive happy voices. Your stress level decreases and you find an inner level of calm. I am not saying run away from responsibilities like children, bills, pets. I am telling you to start small and make minor changes in your life to steer it in the direction you want to go.

Instead of saying “I don’t know what I want for dinner” say what you actually are craving… “I want bbq”,”I want Thai food”, making those small steps towards making your own choices will feel so insignificant but it’s a step… it’s the first step…. so take it! Because in 5 years time you won’t hesitate and you won’t hold back.

Live your life. For yourself.