Category: depression

Into the unknown…

So it’s quarantine day… who knows? is it Tuesday? Maybe?

That is the world we are currently living in, where we don’t know the date, we don’t know the day of the week… all we know is that we have to stay home… for how long we don’t know? The rest is unknown.

It’s a scary place to be… we are really living the same day in and out… it takes it toll on your mental health, physical health and your relationships. My dog for example is fed up of us being home… she’s ready for her 6 hour daily naps. But even human relationships can struggle at this time. To be honest my main issue has been more the mental struggle.

Recently I have found myself lacking the motivation to even get up out of bed and keep moving every day, I want to be productive but lack the energy… I found myself initially saying “I don’t have time”… but I have nothing but time right now. That was when I really had to sit down and think about what was going on… not COVID-19 related, not money related or work related but internally.

What I figured out is that the “unknown” makes me unsettled because I can’t control it… as for someone who is longing to travel everywhere and see everything the world has to offer, there will be so many unknowns in that… how can being told “stay at home” cause me to develop this new struggle. But really if you think back to your childhood, there was always someone who had the answer, a teacher, parent, friend… then as you grow up you still have those guiding lights, those people who will point you where you want to go… but right now, at this time we are all in the same boat…. facing the same direction… without a map, no control… drifting.

The unknown is scary and a in itself is a challenge to face. The nice thing is we are all facing this unknown together… yes with our own individual issues and concerns but over all… we all have this joint feeling of not knowing. There should be comfort in that right? We shouldn’t be spending this time putting others down, comparing whose life is worse off. We should be holding each other up and saying “we can steer this ship together” by focusing on what IS in our control, what really matters… and that has never changed… LOVE.

With more time on our hands, we seem to get bogged down with filling it with stress and worry and comparison… but we need to see the love in the world…

There are kids at home celebrating spending time with both their parents… they aren’t going to remember why, they will remember love. Significant others who have spent maybe a week on vacation together are now spending a month seeing each other every day… getting to love on each other. Our loyal pets that spend so much time alone, are experiencing true companionship and love because we are home… and exercising more.

For those that we can’t physically see, we are communicating through other measures, FaceTime, zoom, video calling. We need to keep those connections open when ever this pandemic is over. Sadly I don’t think we will ever return to normal… but we will find a new normal. We are already starting to… but let that new normal be based off of Love… maybe we let love lead us into the unknown… embrace is and control what we can control, what matters. Being a decent loving human being.

Walking alone through the dark with someone

Everyone has their own darkness, their own story… their own cross to bare as it were. But everyone’s darkness is different, some are darker than you could ever imagine… but to us all… our period of darkness felt never ending… it felt like a trap.

That feeling is kind of like it’s own fear blanket that gets tied in a knot around you that you can’t shake.

Darkness is a lonely place to be and you need someone to be your light. No matter how dim it is. There’s a level of support that you won’t accept but that you really need.

When someone is tucking at your blanket trying to find their way under to help you… but you keep pulling the blanket back around you. That’s the true meaning on helplessness. When you become your own worst enemy. When the over thinking is so loud that you almost crave that quiet time alone in the dark where it’s just you and the doubt filled voice in your head.

I am here to tell you that it’s ok to acknowledge you need help… it’s ok to talk about what you have been through. Everyone has a story that made them who they are… and every day is another page in that story. If you hide the chapter from the ones closest to you… do they really know your whole story?

But that being said I would never force you to tell anyone something that you aren’t ready to share.

If you need me to sit in the dark with a dimly lite candle, I am here.

I have known darkness but I found light in the fact that the darkness I was crushing under… well it made me who I am… it made me tolerant of pain, compassionate for others who are lost and gave me the power to try and lead their way.

If you are dealing with your own darkness, don’t walk alone, find a friend, a loved one… someone who won’t judge you, someone who will just be there… you might not need them to guide you, lecture you or hug you. But knowing that you aren’t alone in the dark. That’s a feeling that can start helping you find your way out.

There will always be pockets of darkness that come through the cracks, but look inside yourself and find your light, find your reason to shine and NEVER let that spark extinguish.

If you open your eyes and pull back the blanket, you will find that you are not alone.

Pride.

June is pride month. For the LGBTQ+ community it’s a month where we celebrate how far we have come and continue to strive towards acceptance and equality.

It’s the month when most companies come out with rainbow colored merchandise, adjust their logos to rainbows and just generally show their support. It’s a beautiful time, where I spend too much money on rainbow pins, tumblrs, clothes and rainbow food (because why not!)

This pride month for me is a bit different though… with the stress of work and some other things going on… I seem to be struggling to find my inner rainbow as it were. Over the last few months I seem to be going on a rollercoaster of ups and downs emotionally where I can be fine and happy for short periods of time and then feel drained, exhausted and sad for longer periods. I lost the desire to write… something that I was truly enjoying…My anxiety is on high alert and I feel the desire to eat everything in sight.

Yesterday while reading a blog post about losing yourself to work… made me realize that I really have dived in head first into my new job, leaving everything else to the wayside, if I am honest my work location is probably the least health environment you could imagine… especially if you are not in the right mind set.

I started to think, have I lost who I am? Who am I? Most of my working life I have always thrown myself at my job, to work the hardest I can to grow and learn, but by doing so I think I may have lost part of who I was… I truly believe this is when we turn into that dreaded “grown up” we heard so much about as kids.

When your stress to happiness ratio is sitting about 10 to 1, It’s hard to balance everything out… that’s when you hit the “burnt-out” phase and your body shuts down.

Yes there are so many factors that cause stress-bills, work, yard work, HOA’s, rats and everything else. It’s the moments that everything piles up so much it feels completely overwhelming, that’s when you have to push through… and that’s what I’m dealing with.

June isn’t over, I am trying to find the person I buried under the pile of work, bills and broken things… somewhere under that’s mess is 21 year old, (rainbow clad), laughing and dancing Shane.

Happiness is worth more to your mental stability than anything else, if you can’t be happy leading the life you want, are you really living or just surviving.

Is there a lost and found department for personality sparks?

The quote of the day… Don’t lose the spark that makes you… you!

When you think of your own personality… you are super biased and don’t always see the good… you don’t see the spark that others see in you. But you feel the loss of that spark when it dims or when it disappears. You notice your mentality changes… how you handle things, how you address situations and people. But it’s not until you take a hard look in the mirror that you realize. The spark you lost was what made you the person you are.

Everyone has days that they feel down, exhausted, worn out and hopeless… the spark is what moves you forward, the little voice that says “chin up, keep going”. But after a lot of beating down… that spark isn’t so willing to say chin up… it says “you know it’s ok… let’s just rest for a bit”.

The key to addressing this is actually acknowledging it… accepting that you are worth everything you want, you are worth more. More than what anyone’s opinion says. More than what any company tells you that you are worth.

I don’t know how to find your lost spark… Mine is currently playing hide and seek too. But all I can do is keep telling myself, in one of my subconscious filling cabinets, hiding in a drawer, is my spark.

I just need to find a way to bring him out… whether it’s bribing him with bacon, taking a walk outside… or just cuddling under the covers with my pup.

There’s so many external factors in life that try to kill you spark… people who are just trying to knock you down. We all need to focus on the good… the loved ones who, no matter how down we feel, no matter how isolated we become… they push themselves in and stay with you. We all have those people, those family members, best friends and co workers who give us a bit of love and support throughout the darkness, they shine their spark on you trying to keep you going… in cone of light beams saying “chin up, we got you”.

Sivako-rise to the challenge

With every single day we face challenges and up hill climbs that make it difficult for us to go on… some of us feel the weight of everything on us every single day and it holds us back from doing what we need to… or what needs to be done.

With every step you take in the direction of your dreams, of the life you want to live… you are challenging every single negative thought, challenging the nay sayers and proving them wrong. Sometimes one step is all you need to remember that you are strong, you are worth it and that you deserve to be an active participant in your own destiny.

I have not been writing as much as I should… I have been distancing myself from doing the things I want to do and burying myself under work. Because of stress, mostly. I have gained the weight I worked so hard to lose, I have been eating everything and anything I shouldn’t and started letting that be another reason to hold me back.

I am thankful for the positive people I have in my life, the guiding lights they provide… the support I receive from them every day is what keeps me going.

Currently I am focusing so much on the negatives of work that I know the rest of me is suffering. But I still give work my all, because that’s who I am. What is sad about that sentence is what could I accomplish if I was giving my all to a job I actually loved and enjoyed?

How much of our lives do we spend trying to impress the bosses and corporations that we are not invested in… but we do it because that’s what’s expected. If you could put all your effort into something you love… I am sure you would succeed beyond your wildest dreams. Fear holds us back, fear of failure, fear of the unknown… so we continue to go to the place that makes us Mediocrely happy…

At what point in our lives is it too late to change?

At what point do we just accept that this is where we were heading?

Sometimes you need to realize that rising to the challenge doesn’t mean quitting your job, it means standing up and focusing on every day things you can do to bring the joy into your life. What can you do to step in the direction you need to go, without letting everything else fall to the wayside.

The challenge in life for most of us, is the balancing act where we try to keep everything running smoothly and finding our happiness. The work life balance in the US is terrible, we spend our work days focusing on getting home to spend our time at home focusing on work. Losing the time with family and friends, draining ourselves.

I challenge you to live in the moment. Live for your happiness and work hard to move towards the life you want to lead. Don’t quit when it gets tough, keep pushing. Because if you don’t rise to the challenge you might never know where your climb will take you. The top of every mountain ends with a breath taking view… find yours.

(Not my image but courtesy of a friend)

Live your life in wander, not worry.

Recently I have sunken into a negative, hopeless, frustrated spiral leading down… I reached the point where I was exhausted all the time, physically, mentally and emotionally… I have slept more everyday and felt less rested.

Lacking energy to do anything more than eat… and make terrible choices whilst eating. It’s a new low for me and I don’t like it. I find myself worrying about work, worrying about home (we have a dead rat somewhere in the attic and as of last night I discovered that there are at least three living rats in the attic/garage).

Every noise I hear during the night wakes me up in a panic, worrying at what point is the rat going to find it’s way into the bedroom. The pest control team came out, they basically said $100 a week to trap for $800 a year to trap and treat and prevent. But I won’t be in this house in a year. At this point… I am not sure what my options really are. As of last night I set traps by myself. I am fed up. I am tired. I am drained.

This is the point like I said where I feel like I am spiraling down.

I find myself talking about things that worry me and my worries seem to be getting larger and larger every day.

I have wonderful supportive friends and family who keep pulling me up out of the pool of worry.

I need to find my sense of wander… I need to look forward into what wanders I will find and explore.

I need to remember that the smell of a rat decomposing isn’t permanent.