I am now in my 30s and I have always put the world before myself, it has lead me to become the completely indecisive person I am today. But I am starting to realize, 20 years of sacrificing myself for others is catching up. I don’t have a clear direction in my life. I work hard because that is what I expect of myself, am I in the career that 10 year old me dreamt about-nope. Now I am not blaming the world for where I am, i am not complaining that I have a terrible life, because I don’t. My life is wonderful. Minus some health issues here and there.
If you are someone like me, you will always put others before yourself, whether it’s family, friends or even someone you don’t know. Being a kind and caring individual is a wonderful thing… but it gets to the point that you sacrifice yourself for others, you lose the person you are and become the person the world creates for you… or rather the person you let the world tell you that you are.
My point is, being happy with yourself, with your choices and with your life is what makes you a well rounded individual, being decisive about your career, what you do every day and the direction you want to go will lead to you being happy. Hopefully causing less stress, less high blood pressure and meaning that you can wake up every morning with a smile on your face.
The interesting part about all of this is that it starts with you. No one else. It starts with that voice inside your head… you have to turn down the noise, turn off the overthinking and make a choice. Who are you living for? The answer should be… wait scratch that the answer IS “I am living for me”.
Recently I have sunken into a negative, hopeless, frustrated spiral leading down… I reached the point where I was exhausted all the time, physically, mentally and emotionally… I have slept more everyday and felt less rested.
Lacking energy to do anything more than eat… and make terrible choices whilst eating. It’s a new low for me and I don’t like it. I find myself worrying about work, worrying about home (we have a dead rat somewhere in the attic and as of last night I discovered that there are at least three living rats in the attic/garage).
Every noise I hear during the night wakes me up in a panic, worrying at what point is the rat going to find it’s way into the bedroom. The pest control team came out, they basically said $100 a week to trap for $800 a year to trap and treat and prevent. But I won’t be in this house in a year. At this point… I am not sure what my options really are. As of last night I set traps by myself. I am fed up. I am tired. I am drained.
This is the point like I said where I feel like I am spiraling down.
I find myself talking about things that worry me and my worries seem to be getting larger and larger every day.
I have wonderful supportive friends and family who keep pulling me up out of the pool of worry.
I need to find my sense of wander… I need to look forward into what wanders I will find and explore.
I need to remember that the smell of a rat decomposing isn’t permanent.
Simple right? Its something we do every moment of every day…until we don’t.
But have you ever really stopped to think about breathing, not the science behind it providing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide… but the action. Well today I did,using an app I downloaded about 8 months ago and never used called “Calm“, at the time it was one of the “apps of the day”. I figured this would be a step in the right direction towards meditation and then moving onto yoga.
I started day 1 of their 7 days of Calm, “Learning the basics of Mindful Meditation”. It was 11 minutes of focusing on your breathing, NOTHING else, needless to say it was difficult because I was trying to focus SO hard on ignoring every little noise and itch… that I had to restart the class. The point is to focus on your breathing, inhale, exhale… I finally grasped it at the start of the second try.
I know what you are thinking, “What does this have to do with exploring life??”… see thats the thing breathing is part of living that we forget because its natural and automatic, focusing on your breathing is exploring the control you have over your body and exploring the different levels of calm you can reach by just breathing.
How many times have you been worked up so much that you can feel your heart beating in your ear drums? How many times have you felt completely overwhelmed by bills and money problems that you feel suffocated?How many times have you been so upset that you find yourself gasping for air through the sobbing? Could a simple solution be focusing on one phase “Just Breathe”
Thats what i challenge you to do today, find somewhere quiet, away from crowds, away from stress and just sit still, with your back straight, eyes closed, focus on the air entering your body on the inhale and feel the stress float away on the exhale. Honestly i can’t wait to start day 2 and see what’s next.
“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”-Amit Ray